...::never.give.up.on.the.things.that.make.you.smile::...

"Sometimes, our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all..."
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There is something to be said for "best decisions." Do I mean the decisions that I have all figured out for my life? No. I mean the decisions that under "normal" circumstances don't make sense at all. The ones that everyone looks at and questions, "why that and why now?" Which I am sure has come to mind a couple of times in those that I have expressed my BIG and IMPORTANT news to... and now I have decided to have an "announcement friday" today to share the news with everyone...

Well, here it goes. I have been accepted to Western Culinary Institute to work on my baking and patiserre certificate/degree, located up in Portland. This happens to be the school that I started at in 2006 and got sick and couldn't finish... well, then life happened. And, classes start in October. (yikes! I know! soooo close!) Which means, me and my lil man will be moving and transferring up to Portland or the surronding area in September sometime. (release breath...)

I know I know... If you have been following my little spurt of accident proneness, you know, I just cut my arm up on my birthday, had surgery and am now going through physical therapy. Not to mention, being out of work since Easter, due to my fractured foot. So I fully understand the "why that and why now" aspect of people's thought processes. All I know, is that nothing has ever come together THIS QUICKLY in my life, except one other time, and that is when I enrolled in The Honor Academy. Honestly, I had been thinking about checking back into the school for months, or years really, but just hadn't. One night, I just randomly went the site and asked for more information. The next morning, I received a phone call by 9 am and had 2 emails in my inbox from the school. Despite a little hiccup in them receiving my application, within a week I had the financial and enrollment papers completed and approved. When I came home from surgery, my dad brought this over to my house:

I circled the date of acceptance... (tacky I know, but wait, I have a point...)

I remember telling someone, coming out of surgery, that nothing really good happens on my birthday. HA! There is proof, right there it does! And yes, I knew for almost a month and hadn't told very many people. Strictly on the premise of my unbelief. But, I know this is supposed to happen.

Before you go all "unsupportive" and "now, let's be realistic" on me, yes, I realize uprooting my son and I somewhere we don't have alot of everyday support is going to be tough. And yes, I realize school, work, and having a 2 year old may be spreading myself a tidge thin. However, I also know that in my weakness HE makes me strong. That is the ONLY way I have gotten through as much as I have within the last few years. And for those of you that are close to me, know that has been quite a bit.

He is the one that plants dreams and visions. And He will make sure those dreams and visions come to pass. This has always been a dream of mine, amongst other things. So why not step out of the boat? :)

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"His 'Yes' for your life cannot be changed by anything or anyone. Hold on to your God promise!"

                                                                                                                     -Paula White

an.incredulously.tumultuous.adventure

"Some things are so sad, there is just no response... except to fight." 
                                 - Alice Vachss, Former Chief of Special Victims Unit in Queens NY

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The next month or so of my life may get a little hectic... emotionally. And I fully realize and have embraced all said things. Not only have I became quite sickly again, and am on the tumultuous adventure in getting healthy, but in three weeks to the day, we start the emotionally jarring trial. Not to mention the pre-trial jargon. At first glance, all of these things look quite an impossible feat for me, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I can do this and get through this with my head above water. 

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With all that being said, if you know me, you know how I deal with things. If you don't know how I deal, please do not be offended by the lack of attention that you get from me. Or the lack of desire to "share" or "spill my guts" that will happen. Or the lack of help I will ask for. Or the lack of understanding of what you are going through during this time. I am really good at buckling down, putting on my big girl panties, and doing what needs to get done without much communication or expressing how I feel. Yes, I realize how not ideal all of that is for the people that are close to me in my life and I realize how "unhealthy" this may seem. But I don't necessarily know how else to do things. Even communicating through this blog is really pushing it for me, but instead of hurting feelings and people that have been getting closer to me, I thought maybe I should cover this prior to getting my head in too deep in all that is to come. Even my best friends noticed today's mind frame was different than yesterday's. Its not that I don't want to talk, I just don't know what to say. So, please understand, I love you all and I do care. I just go one "tracked" at times. When I say one "tracked" I don't mean that I don't care or won't care what is going on in your life, it just means, I don't know how to share what I am going through. Or even like to talk about my stuff. And in that, please do not think that if you come to me with an issue in your life during this time, I will get too burned or weighed down. You know me. You know that I will care. You know that I will talk you through it the best that I can. I just don't like to talk about my stuff. That's all.

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I do love and appreciate every single person in my life. Even my haters. And I'm sorry for not being there for you the way you seem fit. Or seem to think I should. I'm working on being less selfish and more understanding. I love you. Truly do. So please bear with me. I do care about everyone. I do love ya'll. I guess, I'm just asking for understanding, that's all.

strength...when.there's.no.other.choice

"You'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." -unknown
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I find the above quote true in every sense of the word. Even the weakest person can appear strong when they are backed up against a wall. When they have no other choice but to put on their "big boy panties" and "cowboy up". But how long does strength last before they start becoming crushed and defeated? Until they run to the bathroom at any chance they get so not even the slightest onlooker can see them crack? That, I seem to be unsure of the answer to.
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This time last year I was going through quite the conumdrum of medical issues and such. Honestly feeling hopeless and lost. It seemed not even the most educated doctors in the greater Eugene area could figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I had no hope in the medical field and to be completely honest, no hope that I'd ever get better. I had exhausted all of it. And then one early morning, my world that had once seemed so low, came down even harder and much lower. My little sister, was murdered. My world was turned upside down in an instant. Through blood shot eyes, a quivering voice, and a facial expression I couldn't hardly describe, my little brother delivered the news to me as I sat a piece of rug away from what would become my new son. Instantly, I became hysterical. But when I looked into those bright blue eyes I knew, if not for anyone else but for him I needed to calm down and "man up". And that is exactly what I did.
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I took care of it all. All the arrangements. All of the reporters. All of the emotionally distraught relatives and friends. It all. I was the go to person literally in every sense of the word. All the while working and discussing with my mother for five straight days as to who would now relinquish the mom title in this little six month old child's life. I don't say any of that to get a gold star on my chart or to thwart anyone's view of the situation. And I definitely didn't do any of that then to get any sort of recognition at all. I just mention it now wondering, how long does strength really last? How long does one person go without having a ginormous mental breakdown?!
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I do not know. I do know I have good days and I have bad days. Both in which I've had lately. And my bad days seem to be outweighing the good now, which frightens me.
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I've heard a lot lately that its okay to talk things out. That its okay to cry. All things that I'm sure have floundered out of my mouth in my moment of loss for words. But is it? I mean, really? If you can't even grasp what words to force together to form a sentence on how you are feeling, or what is going through your mind, why open your mouth only to spit out and verbalize things that may not even be true in your next breath? With the trial and the anniversary of her death coming up, a lot of people want to talk things out with me. It's not that I don't trust these people, its just that there really isn't anything for me to say. There isn't anything that I want to say.  Crying, to some may be "cleansing for the soul." But to some it makes them feel weak. It makes them hold even more frustration at the simple act of even shedding a tear. I shed lots of tears recently. And many have been those "unknown tears." The ones that irritate and frustrate the hell out of me, because I have no idea why they seem to be falling from my eyes. The ones that people just automatically associate with the fact that here at the end of this month is what my whole family considers hell week. Which is fine. They can assume that. These "unknown tears" seem to be making their presence known more and more often though. Also, another annoying factor.
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So, to answer my own question, how long until you feel crushed and defeated? As long as it takes. For some a few months. Others, a few years. And even others still, little by little so it doesn't seem as bad when its unveiled, or when you're ready to be completely transparent for all to see. That you don't look like a complete and utter mess all at once. The worst part about the last one is that people notice a lot sooner than you think and seem to disapate faster, as if they don't even care about you. And again adds a wall and strain on your unveiling.
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A P.S.... I love and appreciate everyone that has been there and stood by me and my family through this tough last year. And I appreciate even more those that didn't leave when things got tough. The ones that actually are waiting around for the unveiling. You are truly loved.

one.is.the.loneliest.number...or.is.it.two.now??

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. This is true of men as of dogs. - Eric Hoffer
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I could possibly be seated in a room full of people while blogging this, which I am not, and still be feeling the exact way as I am while sitting in a messy living room with a 17 month old toddler screaming "Mommy" at the top of his lungs just because he can. I know, two very different scenarios, and yet the same excruciatingly annoying feeling of loneliness. I mean, my son is quite the entertainment, but I hardly get any morsel of adult conversation without having to worry about if he is going to do a nose dive off the top of the stairs.
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I thrive off of adult conversation nowadays. At work, despite the fact that I absolutely loathe the place, I rebel against the "no talking" rule. Not that it matters all that much anyhow. I hardly talk about anything with the exception of my son while I'm there. People are always concerned about "new mommies." I guess they just want to make sure that I have remained sane in the midst of his new progression of developments. And when I'm not at work, its like pulling teeth to get anyone to actually communicate with me, even the slightest bit. So now, for someone who has been nothing but extroverted, you can see where I've become more of  the introvert. Don't get me wrong, I love to hang out with people, but I'm pretty much over putting myself out there to get nothing in return, or even rejected. Two of my least favorite things are vulnerability (which I'm working on, and absolutely failing at) and rejection (and you can't have the latter with out the first). So as it seems, life has become a big catch 22 for me.
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I've never been fond of being alone, so, now as it seems, some things never change. Even driving in the car alone would freak me out. I think that is why I relate so closely to the quote from Eric Hoffer. Loneliness and being alone seem to bring the loudest noise. It absolutely resonates my very being. I can still be in the most crowded room and still feel lonely. No one reaches me to the core of myself anymore. However, in a crowded room that loud noise of loneliness seems to be muffled by the noise the crowd brings just enough to forget about how lonely I will be, once walking away from them. How is this lonely feeling fixed? I'm not quite sure. How am I going to resolve this? I have no idea. Maybe, just maybe I shall just learn to be content in my loneliness until something drastic will change it.

single.mommyhood

Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. ~ Anonymous
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Some are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. ~ Pearl S. Buck
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I never wanted children. But I always thought that if I ever was to become a parent, it wouldn't be on my own. That I'd be married or something along those lines. I never imagined me becoming a parent due to the  death of a loved one. Let alone my baby sister. But, I wouldn't want my now, son, to go anywhere else. When everything happened, my mother sat me down to discuss the pros and cons of having a child on my own. I say all that to say...
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This single mommyhood thing is a ton harder than I once had thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think it was going to be a walk in the park, but I didn't think that it would be as excruciatingly difficult as it is in this moment in time. Maybe its just the lack of physical support that I am receiving right now. Or maybe its me being burnt out. The fact that my son has been ultra sick as of late doesn't help, I'm sure. It just seems like no matter where I turn I am getting some sort of crap from people. It makes me want to scream!
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His fit throwing is pushing me over the edge. It's like my little sister was reincarnated and came back in her son. It's utterly ridiculous! I don't even know what to do! I guess its back to experimenting different techniques on how to discipline and handle children. It really is a neverending process of trial and error. Nonetheless, a process.
A process that this mommy is seeming to too tired for. I wish I had steady help sometimes. Someone to "pawn" my child off on. Not that I would, but when I need to use the restroom it would be nice to have some sort of privacy. Right now, all modesty has seemed to go out the window with the tike running around. Bathroom doors get left open all the time whether to shower or use the facilities. Changing my clothes is something I now do on the run. It's a constant battle to get any sort of down time, let alone a nap. And all people keep saying is, "Just wait. It doesn't get much better." Um, thanks jerks.
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However, I absolutely adore him. He is the apple of my eye. And I miss him when he's not with me. I couldn't even remember how life was before him really. I mean unless I focus really hard on it. I love him with all my heart. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. Even endure craziness and the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And to see him happy and smile makes all this worth it. He has my heart.

a.man.in.a.woman's.mind???

"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex in the City
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If I know anything, I know I'm not good in relationships, err, romantic relationships. I know that with every fiber of my being. Sometimes, people overhear me chatting with my friends about how much I loathe the thought of being tied down with someone, and I think they get the wrong idea. No, it doesn't mean I am a tramp and desire to run the streets like a harlot. It also doesn't mean that I bounce from guy to guy to find some sort of satisfaction in them. Or that I am out to sex up as many male suitors as humanly possible. It just means I'm not a fan of dealing with the emotionally charged mularky that comes with the title of being in a relationship. It never fails. I start a "friendship" that even remotely looks like the possibilty of something progressing, and all these crazy emotions or what I like to call "V"-like moments come up. And not even from the stereotypically likely canidate, me. Nope, from the gentleman. Which, annoys me or stresses me out, and then I shut down or push them away. Just as a force of habit mainly.
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A habit in which I have no idea how to change. Not that I haven't thought about it. I think about it constantly. I deep down wish I could plunge myself in a relationship and not feel like I am suffocating from the inside out. But alas, in ANY relationship I feel suffocated. Not just in romantically involved ones. Even friendships with the opposite sex. Even the same sex. And now, there are so many things that come into play when it comes to any relationships anyhow. Rules I suppose. Especially now that I have a lil munchkin.
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I am told all too often that I need to find me a man to take care of my son and I. Why? To give up parental reign and have ANOTHER person tell me how to raise him? Yeah, I'm good on all that. I see how much turmoil "mixed" families go through because both parents have raised their children in completly opposing manners. Or even families when one parent is emotionally or completely absent when it comes to discipline. Or is it because I need to have a man in order to provide for me financially. Um, no. I don't need no man! I have become quite opposed to anyone that makes such remarks towards me, honestly. Do I think I NEED a man? No. Do I think it would be smart to have a solid man in my son's life? Probably. Am I going to randomly toss one in there? Um, lets not. Which is why I've never quite understood the women that change their "man status" almost monthly. There is no structure in that at all.
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Back to the quote I started this random rant of a blog with...
"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex in the City
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I don't think that I can be "tied down" the way society says I am to be. To be the quiet enduring woman who doesn't have a mind of her own. I'm utterly okay with being the loud, quite opinionated woman that I am. I am not one to be tamed. Maybe that is why I don't even attempt romantic relationships anymore. That and I seem to be more emotionally absent than most men out there. Is it just me, or is the number of men that have NO BALLS increasing? Maybe I just have a knack at finding the men that are more "sensitive." I don't know, but it just seems like I find the major sissy la-las.
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Not to confuse you lovelies any further, but this random rant of a blog wasn't to say "I hate men" or "I'm not ever gonna find one for me." It was just to say, "Hey, I'm me. A wild woman that can't seem to wrap herself around what or how to deal with real emotions. And thought of dealing with another person's emotions kind of makes me want to gouge out my own eyes."
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So, yes, I guess deep down I want to find "the perfect guy" and fall hopelessly in love with him and actually CUDDLE for more than 3.453 minutes at a time. I just don't know how to even attempt that thought. And until then, I guess I'll just be the tameless woman.

the.foes.of.life

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." -Anais Nin
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It is time. Time to start "spilling my guts" as some would say. Vulnerability has become a foe of mine once again, and people have started to notice. I have had the "chat" with quite the number of those dear to me about this pretend wall that they are quite certain about me placing up. I just don't see the point in sharing those deep dark secrets with anyone, to see them turn around and discuss them with the "love of their life" or even having a leg to stand on if it ever came to a show down. The less people know, the better I say. If people want to assume things, go right ahead. It really wouldn't be out of the norm for me. People assume that I had a child out of wedlock when in reality his birth mother was taken from us due to a low life's sudden impulses. People also assume that I am fully grounded in everything I know, and that I "know better" than to do certain things, when in reality I am just as lost as anyone else. I'm just better at the masks and knowing which mask to whip out at different times. People assume alot about me. And they just don't know the facts...

The facts are I am me. Plainly and simply, me. I'm not out to impress. I'm just as lost as everyone else. Do I know things, yes. Do I ignore most things I know, all too much. Do analyze things, always. Do I rashly open my mouth and insert foot, I do my fair share. I am me. This is me... whatever that even mean...